La mia Notte la più Scura
by TwilightofElla
Summary: My Darkest Night." one-shot CPOV post New Moon. Carlisle revisits the night he left Volterra and the reasons why he has never gone back to help guide Edward in the right direction, to make sure he wont ever leave again.


K this is a one shot I just decided to write. I hope everyone likes it! Kudos to Crescent Scar for betaing!

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La mia Notte la più Scura

I sat heavily in the plush mahogany armchair in my study. Esme had dusted in here today, and the thousands of books gleamed in the light of the setting sun. I turned on the antique light that Esme had purchased in Madison, Wisconsin, and stared at the illuminated book in my hand. It was very old, the front scratched and stained from the many moves it had accompanied me on.

I stared at the shelf it had came from. The 362 others sat silently by the hole the one in my hand had left. The books progressively got newer, the oldest could barely be read, the pages were ripped and the words faded or smudged. My eyes fell again to the book in my hands. It was the 152nd in the series, the series that described every day of my life. I had kept journals for my entire existence, writing in secrecy. The only people who knew about them were Esme and Edward. Esme was the only one who had read them, Edward understood that what was in these journals, was personal.

I had told him years ago that he was welcome to read them, he might find something to help him, but he had refused, saying that he did not want to interfere. Esme had not read through all of them, thankfully. The weathered book I held now held a dark secret, this book held my darkest night, my darkest hour. I had not read this since I had wrote it, the night it happened. I had told my family that I had not harmed a human. I lied. I may not have drank their blood but I had harmed them. I killed, and I savagely murdered. I ran my fingers delicately across the front. The title read 1795 in bold, gold letters. Taking a deep breath I flipped open the cover.

My handwriting covered the first page, detailing a day spent walking the Italian countryside. I scanned through the book until I found the pages I was looking for, all of them having July 19 scrolled in the top left corners. I closed my eyes bracing myself for the torment this passage would bring. Today I needed to relive it. For Edward's sake I needed to read it. After he had nearly been taken by the Volturi not 3 months ago, Alice had seen visions of Aro's need to keep him.

His lustful ambititon flared for Edward's power, and Alice's for that matter. He had told me he kept imagining them coming for him. And, when he refused they took Bella instead, they killed off the family until he agreed to don the black robes that would secure his future as a killer. I told him that even though Aro was getting more unusual the older he became he would never kill his own, unless absolutely necessary, but he still feared the worst. He still was considering leaving us to protect us. I had vehemently disagreed, stating that he would make the situation even worse than the last time he left. He agreed but I could tell he was troubled. This entry was the only way for him to reconsider, the only way I could save everyone from heartbreak.

I had to find the courage in myself, to share something that no one knew outside of the oldest Volturi. This was the reason I left, the reason I never went back to Italy. Of course I was courteous to them when they wrote to me, but the memories of Aro and that night haunted my dreams. At last, after much internal debate, I settled in to relive again, my darkest night.

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_**1795**_

_**Volterra, Italy**_

My fingers ran across the damp, stone walls of the castle as I weaved my way to my bed chamber. The darkness engulfed me as I nimbly stepped across the uneven tile of the floor. My eyes adjusted to the darkness perfectly as I maneuvered deeper into the caverns of the castle. The peasants had grown wary of recent activity here. In order not to cause more suspicion Marcus had suggested we move deeper into the confines of the castle, closer to the escape passageways in case we were ambushed.

My door loomed in front of me. The rough handle of the door opened smoothly and I was met with the flickering glow of the candles placed in my room by the human servants. I had always disapproved of having human servants, and told my complaints to Aro. My complaints fell on deaf ears.

Aro apparently thought humans could be useful outside of food, and set them to work. Needless to say Volterra Castle went through plenty of servants. My room was simple, yet elegant. No bed was present as we did not have the need for sleep. Instead an Egyptian style couch stood in its place.

A painting covered the entire western wall. Colors swirled around the bottom of a balcony where four young men stood looking down below. I was to the farthest right in the picture. My elders Aro, Caius, and Marcus stood to my left. That was only the second day I had been here, they had shown me the countryside, the Volturi's territory stretched to the farthest reaches of Italy.

A thick embroidered rug adorned the floor, insulating the room from the cold nights even though I had no need for it. A desk sat at the corner, quills, paper, and ink cluttering the top. The wispy gauze curtains billowed as I opened the door, causing the air to tunnel through the room. The door creaked on the other side of the room leading to the balcony.

A dim sound came from the other side.

Music, I heard music. A sweet, lilting voice wafted to my ears as I drifted closer and closer to the balcony opening. I stooped silently as I peered over the edge, eager to see what was happening below. Lights lit up the square below the tower, the sky blood red from the setting sun. A young Italian maiden stood in the middle of a crowd of people, singing a beautiful ballad. Her voice swelled around me, whispering in my ears, caressing my senses.

She was perfect, her black hair fell in ringlets across her heart-shaped face. Freckles dotted her classical nose, and her black eyes were half closed as she recited the song. She wore a red bandana in her hair and a blue spotted dress. Her petticoats billowed around her as a gust of wind blew through the square. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever beheld. But, Aro had forbidden any of us from being seen for the time being so I sank begrudgingly onto the granite of the ground. I closed my eyes listening to her sweet voice for at least an hour before she finally finished.

A huge applause rang out as she said sweetly, "Ringraziarla. Ringraziarla così molto per ascoltare me. Sono molto grato." Her thank you was met by more applause before they broke off into low murmurings. I peeked over the side of the balcony again to see her packing up her things. She looked like a gypsy at closer examination, which explained the way she packed.

I was taken by her, besotted even. She turned momentarily and I made a split second decision, I broke the rules. I grabbed onto the balcony rail with one hand and swung my body up and over, leaping into the air. I hurtled down and touched silently on the ground beyond her, safe in the shadows. Smoothing my clothing down I steadily walked towards her.

As I stood directly behind her I timidly said "Ciao." _Hello. _

She gasped and whirled, staring at me with wide eyes. Her heart beat sporadically from fright and her hand flew to her neck, close to her jugular where I saw her blood pumping rhythmically through her veins. I inwardly shook my head to clear away my more primal thoughts.

"Oh! Perdonarmi il signore, non l'ho sentito venendo." _Oh! Pardon me sir I did not hear you coming._

"Nessuna la colpa è il mio, non dovrei aver camminato così leggermente. La sua voce è meravigliosa. Non ho sentito quella canzone prima, dove di è venuto da?" _No the fault is mine, I should not have stepped so lightly. Your voice is wonderful. I have not heard that song before, where di it come from? _I said. I knew I should not try to charm her but, I could not resist. In that hour that I had listened to her she had captured me.

She smiled timidly before answering me.

"Ringraziarla. Mia madre l'ha insegnato a me quando ero piccolo. È la ballata di zingaro, dei tempi ruvidi." _Thank you. My mother taught it to me when I was little. It is a gypsy ballad, about harsh times_.

I handed her my arm and she gladly took it, forgetting about her bag by the fountain. We talked of her life as a gypsy, about living on the streets as I had not long ago. She wondered at my golden eyes, a color she had never seen, and I quickly changed the subject to the cool night. She assured me she was fine, her grandmother knitted her a shawl that she was wearing. We laughed, and smiled, and chattered happily for hours before we had walked the length of the city, to the city gates and back.

I had bid her farewell, promising to see her again tomorrow. She watched me go as I smoothly and gracefully walked behind the north castle wall. I looked both ways before I knocked three times on a smaller stone in the middle of the wall. The wall moved revealing a rich colored door. I opened it and quickly went inside. I went through a corridor and opened another door and ended up in the main hall. I walked towards the stairs and was half way up before I heard an unforgettable, smooth voice.

"Carlisle, friend, come to me." Even though it didn't seem as such, Aro had ordered me to do so. He suspected me of leaving the castle. He wanted to touch my hand. I knew he would get his way. So with as much dignity as I could I walked down the marble staircase to his out-stretched palm. Carefully placing the tips of my fingers in the middle of his hand I waited. His sullen eyes were closed, a crease forming between his brows. After 6 seconds his eyes opened again filled with feigned disappointment. I could see something else forming around the edges. Anger? Fear? I could not tell. Before I could divulge on the subject he spoke.

"You left." He stated simply.

"Yes, I have felt restless during this past week of confinement. I decided to take a walk." My voice became uneasy. He knew of her, of my gypsy.

"You talked to someone. A maiden, you defied my orders Carlisle. Not only did you leave the castle walls, you spoke to a human! Think of the possibilities if she suspects us!" His voice became slightly high pitched.

Quickly forming an excuse I said, "Aro, she is a gypsy, a foreigner. She knows not of what the locals suspect. She is perfectly harmless, gone by tomorrow." I stated simply.

"Oh Carlisle. Can you not be happy with the company you keep here? With my company? In any case you promised to see her tomorrow, did you not? Does that not mean she will likely stay? She commented on your eyes, that they were unusual. About your paleness too, she thought it odd. What if she dines near a passerby speaking of us. She could run and hide, she could tell neighboring villages. Carlisle we could have an uprising. More than just Volterra, but rather the whole countryside." I could not think of my gypsy as untrustworthy. She had seemed kind hearted in my eyes. But Aro did not have my human sympathy. He had lost it long ago, and in it's place came ambition.

I knew there was no use arguing. I would be reprimanded to some extent. I was safe from the harsher punishments, for the Volturi elders enjoyed my company.

"I am sorry to disrespect you My Lord. Forgive my incompetence." I said somberly. My apology was met with laughter.

"Dear Carlisle, you are not incompetent. Just mislead and impatient. You can not apologize for your personality. Alas, I must go. I have placed a new novel in your chamber I think you might enjoy. Farewell for now." I bowed low to him as his cloak billowed behind him and he left me alone in the hall.

Again, I slowly climbed the stairs to my chamber. As promised Aro had left a thick novel on my desk and I picked it up and rifled through the first few pages. It looked interesting so I began to read. The cool night air drifted through the window, filling my nostrils with the scent of the night.

When the clock struck 1 o'clock in the morning I heard a bloodcurdling shreek. My feet carried me fast to the balcony as I peered out, my eyes searching the darkness. On the far side of the square I saw a pair of feet being dragged away into the shadows. I leapt, sailing through the night landing beyond the fountain and running as fast as I could towards the darkness. I rounded the corner and slammed to a stop, my eyes widening in horror at the site before me.

My beautiful gypsy was gagged and bound her eyes landing to mine, tears streaming down her thin face. Aro stood above her, defiantly staring back at me, willing me to contradict what he was doing. And by God I did.

"Aro! What is the meaning of this?" I bellowed. He shifted in front of her staring directly at me.

"Carlisle we take no chances in these dark times. She was a liability, someone who could not be trusted. You spent a mere two hours with her. Not enough to convince me she is pure. She will finally be useful, I will remember her as my sustenance, not a trifle gypsy. That would seem so much better to me."

I was enraged, "She has a life! She should have a choice between life and death, not you! Think about what your doing Aro! What will the villagers think? Another disappearance." I growled at him.

I could see the anger in his eyes, "No one will notice, not if I can help it. They will think she continued her journey and nothing more. I have made my decision Carlisle, it is final." He turned his back on me, his lustful eyes landing on her. As I helplessly watched he quickly leaned down, honing in on her jugular, stroking the skin there with a finger. Her muffled cries ripped and clawed at my heart as I clenched my fists. Aro's head leaned in and I snapped. Lunging for him I tried to fight back but he threw me easily from him into a wall. I stood ready again but before I could register what was happening Aro leaned into her and showed his teeth. Like a caress his teeth swiped across her neck. For a split second I saw her eyes bulge before the light went out in them and I stared at them as blood gushed from the now gaping wound in her neck.

"No! No, no, no." I sobbed as my knees hit the ground. The amount of pain I felt was unbearable. I had caused her death. My foolish behavior before had doomed her.

Aro stooped lower and sucked the blood, feeding greedily from the gash. I turned my head as tearless sobs racked through my body. He drank until her body was dry and he turned to me, his eyes a ruby red.

"You dared to fight me Carlisle. I am ashamed of you. You have defied my orders twice today. I must go now and think of a punishment. Carlisle, go now and leave me." He rigidly dismissed me. I dragged my numb body back to the castle wall. I did not want to walk the hallways in the castle. Instead I nimbly scaled the walls until I reached my chamber. I sat at the desk my head hung low in my hands, murderous rage and grief racked through me. I had doomed her fate. To die young and beautiful with a whole life ahead of you is no way to leave this earth. A soft knock sounded at my door and I composed myself before muttering a "come in."

Didyme walked in. Her blue robes billowed up behind her. Her soft features, a mirrored feminine image of Aro, were masked by a silent rage. Didyme was my closest friend here. She understood my human compassion and my reasons for not drinking human blood. As the younger sister of Aro, he had thought when he changed her that she would have a power like his. Yes she had a power, but she did not use it to manipulate and control. Didyme had the power to make everyone around her happy. When she was happy she could not control her power as well, making everyone around her giddy. She had been with Marcus for centuries, so it was easier for her to control. Now she did control it, lifting my grief and sorrow and replacing it with fake happiness. I instantly felt the affects and strained not to smile.

"Please Didyme, I would ask you if I wanted to be happy." I said quietly. Instantly I felt the way I was before. Her hand ghosted across my shoulders before she settled down next to me.

"Carlisle, I fear his need to control is growing, he stares at my power with disdain most days now. I saw what happened tonight, he would hold his position before keeping your friendship."

"I don't know what to do anymore Didyme. Your friendship means so much to me now but, I feel I must leave or be confined to my chamber for the rest of my stay. He grows darker every day."

"Then leave Carlisle. Leave this place, would you rather be free than live as a prisoner in your own home. I've thought long about this and I think… maybe Marcus and I will leave also. I shall not tell Aro where we go, you can come with us Carlisle. I would be glad to have your company and I am sure Marcus would not mind."

"Where would you go Didyme? You can not run from Aro, he will find you."

"Of course he won't. Not if I leave for France, or the New World." She stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, I am happy for you whatever you choose but I shall decline your offer. I suspect it will be easier to leave the less people do at a time. And I will keep this with the utmost secrecy." She smiled kindly at me.

"Come, Aro wishes to meet in the dining hall now." She said his name with disdain.

She led the way down the flights of stairs, meeting with Marcus. I bowed low to him and he did the same before resuming our descent. The dining hall was used for meetings. The human-drinkers had to use more secrecy than I. Aro sat in the middle of the three thrones at the front of the room. The ladies and men sat around waiting for everyone in the castle to arrive. We seemed to be one of the last ones and Aro began.

"Friends!" he called. "I fear our cover has been broken. Rumors swirl through the neighboring town and I see our Volterra doomed." The hall erupted in shocked yells. Everyone had thought we had contained the rumors. I was shocked but there was still doubt in my mind. I don't think I could trust Aro's judgement again.

"What shall we do My Lord?" called Athenadora from the front.

"I will take our hunters. We must silence the village. They will come tomorrow if we do not. They will kill not only us, but the whole town." Didyme rose up from her seat.

"Can we not just relocate elsewhere? Must we fight and kill?" I admired her bravery for standing up to him. He glowered.

"No, Didyme. They will spread this to every corner of Europe, no one will be safe, not even us, not even you." Her eyes showed her shock and I could not contain mine. Marcus looked slightly frightful but reigned it in. Ah! So he knew her plans! But how? My mind went to his power. Did he unintentionally touch Marcus, or did he already suspect before that?

The group murmured in agreement and then the castle went to prepare for the raid tonight. I refrained from violence and turned to go back upstairs when Aro called my name. I turned to him warily.

His eyes gleamed with controlled malice as he said, "No Carlisle. We will need everyone on this raid." I was shocked. This must have been my punishment, he would make me go against my morals.

Two hours later we ran silently, deadly through the trees to the neighboring village. We did not alert the dogs outside, they still slumbered. Aro led with Santiago close behind. Athenodora, Sulpicia, Marcus, Caius, Didyme, Afton and Chelsea, Felix, Demetri, Corin, Renata, and Heidi, along with the rest of the guard, came with us. We fanned out surrounding the village. My eyes flicked to my left where Didyme crouched. She took my hand in hers and squeezed. From her other side I watched her do the same with Marcus. Her gift trickled slowly, making courage for what I was about to do well slowly inside me. Aro spoke a quick "Go" before the heads of the guard burst forth.

We had 5 seconds to kill the first row of houses before the screams started. We would kill quickly and efficiently. I knew that the younger members would not be able to resist feeding. Didyme and I took the first house. She whispered fast "You need not kill. Wait and I will do it." I nodded gratefully and shut my mind off to the snaps of the peoples necks. Didyme was quick and nimble. She did not let them suffer as most of our kind did. I counted down in my head, _5…4…3…2…1. _I heard them, the first heart stopping wail. It was cut off short. I heard doors creak open. People whispering about the noise. I heard them open windows. I stared out the homes window and into the night. I saw an older women studying the night. A shadow jumped across to her and Felix lunged to stand in front of her. She screamed "Dio ci risparmia!" before he ripped off her head. Her husband was next. Afton lit a house on fire. It had been dry the past few weeks and the fire spread at an alarming rate. Men screamed and ran out into the night, stakes and pitchforks in hand. Like that would stop Aro.

"Carlisle you must stay out of site, Aro must not see you, now is your chance to run." Didyme pleaded.

"I can not leave you now!" I hissed. She shook her head.

"You must." And she disappeared from site. I tried to follow. I saw her shadow, followed her scent around the burning houses to a house on the edge of the village. I ripped off the door, desperate to find her.

I heard an almost silent whisper. "Mio fratello, Aro, don't." Then, a growl and a screeching noise. I turned the corner and gasped. Aro stood over the body of Didyme, her head laying a foot from her body. The family that occupied the house screamed in the corner, Aro blocking their only escape. Didyme's long tresses covered her face but I saw her face frozen in a state of shock.

"Aro, how could you!" I choked. The screams outside were deafening.

"She was taking him, Marcus. She was taking him away. This is the only way he will stay, the only way! She was a small sacrifice, her gift was useless to me." He growled.

"Your own sister! Didyme was good!" I cried.

"Enough! You will never speak of this to anyone! If you do your life and everyone's close to you will be gone." He threatened.

"You have not killed, I sense it." His eyes moved to the family in the corner. The two young children.

"Kill the children first, then the parents." He stated simply. I stared in horror. The children were crying, frightened of me.

"Aro, no." I whispered.

"Do it!" he growled.

I stepped forward, not looking at them until I stood over them. I looked down at the two faces. To what I was about to do. I lifted my head to the roof and cried "Dio mi perdona per ciò che sto per fare!" _God forgive me for what I am about to do._ I snapped the children's necks cleanly, they could not feel it. The mother screeched and clawed at me. Aro swept over and broke her neck and the father's too.

"Enough, we will leave now." He drifted out the door. I smelled the fire coursing across the roof, I stared at Didyme's body one last time and followed her advice. I fled. I fled the world I knew, my friend's, and the mayhem I had caused. I was the cause of those people's deaths. I was a murderer. I. Killed.

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I cried tearless sobs as I finished the passage. All the memories flooded back in my mind in a torrent, the gate I kept locked in my mind wide open. The thoughts haunting me over and over. The door clicked and a soft pair of arms engulfed me and I raised my head to meet my wife's eyes. She stroked my cheeks with her thumbs and leaned in to kiss me.

"Whatever this is, I know it hurt you deeply. But know this, you are the kindest person I have ever met. You saved me and countless others. You helped thousands. I know you have secrets, and I wont pry but, Carlisle. You _are_ good. Do not dwell on the past. Dwell on the present and future. You wont ever go back to what you were. You grow better every day." She leaned in for a final kiss before standing up.

"Go to our son Carlisle. He needs you." She walked away and shut the door. The clock ticked in the corner as I sat in silence staring blankly at the last page. With a swift motion I ripped the five pages away from the book and tucked them in my pocket. I strode to the bookshelf and put the book back in it's place. I searched for Edward and found him in the garden, his mind a thousand miles away. He heard my foot falls and turned his head slightly to me in acknowledgement.

"Edward I know we have talked. I've told you this was not a good idea but you still consider this. You must know you can not go to them. They have done things in the past, yes, but I will fight until I have no fight more to protect our family, Edward. I will, I promise you." I pulled the papers from my pocket.

"Here, read these. You need to understand how Aro is. You don't know him as I do." He stared at the papers in my hand and back to me before he picked them up and read them. A few minutes passed as he digested what he read.

"When I fled, I ran to France. I found a boat traveling to the New World and sailed for a month and a half before I got here."

"Carlisle I…" he started.

"No, I need no sympathy. I reserve nothing for my actions. But I realize now I could have done nothing. They would have died more painfully had Aro gotten them first." I said simply.

After many minutes passed in silence as we sat in that bench in the back yard until he spoke again.

"There was another? Other than Esme? This gypsy girl?" he asked

"No, no one before Esme. This girl I liked, but never loved. I only loved your mother."

"Didyme?" he asked

"Neither her either. She was my dearest friend but nothing more."

"Thank you, Carlisle. For this, for sharing this with me." He rose from the bench.

"I won't go, I promise you, I'll never leave again. I'm sorry for ever thinking it." I stood and hugged my son and whispered

"You always have a place here, no matter what you do. But you made the right choice, only you could choose." I patted his back as we made our way back in the house, and I let go of that part of my life, forever.


End file.
